Julia’s Blog

Newly separated-ish!

Hello again!
I am so pleased to see this app for iPhone but still not so easy to type! Will have a go though! I wanted to write this blog to let you know that separating may not be all doom and gloom and if it helps someone, then that is fine. I won’t get too personal and my husband will be assigned a different name, just trying to decide what suits him!
We realised before the summer how we had been drifting apart but also agreed that we had different core values and wishes. I suppose we are atypical anyway, as we met when I was 42, and independent single mum who had been on my own for 12 years. He, Norman, was just 24 but going on 40! My daughter said he was a 40year old trapped in a younger man’s body! How we laughed!
We had 14 happy years of marriage, but the last five were on our own with our growing menagerie of pets, in the countryside. Although I have a secure-ish job, Norman has had his own company and been let go several times and so he turned his hobby into a job, of sorts. It us hard work and spills into time and our physical space too. He sees this as the way forward for him, but as someone approaching retirement I knew that this was not away of life for me. That makes me sound shallow and acquisitive but I also want to see the world, explore without always asking how we can do that. So I think we came to an amicable decision to part without too much difficulty.
Having said that, there were sad days and times if peaks and troughs. We had booked a caravan holiday before all this, and we both needed a break, so went off innate summer anyway; albeit for a shortened duration. It says a lot that we could get on as friends in that confined space, though we were glad we could reach iplayer and play DVDs on the laptop. I went through periods of weepiness and grief but our decision was the right one for us, and we kept talking. We have a sign of support and hold out our hands in a fist to touch base and show that we are still friends.
Norman is still in our house until another property that I own can be sold, so we are lucky to have that option and we have this time of transition that gives us space to get used to ideas about living independently, but also I realise the things that irritate us about the other, and know that it was better to start the process earlier, rather than when we really can’t abide being around each other!
We have the ‘kids’ too, so I will end up with the gorgeous softie beagle and cats, and Norman gets the neurotic jrt’s! Good luck Norm! I will have access and will dogsit and he is happy to have Beagle when I need some space.
The tears have dried, we remain good friends, it will be OK. I find mindfulness and living in the present helpful; I try not to ruminate if I am feeling a bit down. We are both socialising and getting out more, but enjoy an evening meal and catchup, at a superficial level.
My son thinks it’s weird; I prefer ‘unusual’ as our marriage is/was, but people can see we’re ok, I’m not getting tragically thin, more’s the pity, but don’t feel too sad for us. I’m gaining space, independence and a quieter life. I’m keeping a friend nearby and can enjoy our pets, maybe sharing a meal or walk together, and that is fine. I realise how much I have moved on already, I advise being kind and respectful ( as much as is humanly possible, I’m no saint!) . I hope this helps in some small way, feel free to share your comments, would love to hear from you!
Smartiej

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